I miss my dad..
Yea.. Its not easy for him.. I know its damn damn damn suffering for him.. He miss us all.. comes home just to check if there's RICE in the bucket and if everthing's alrite.. Even though he's SO ill.. and he looks so.. pale.. I seriously pray hard that he will be healed by you.. amen.. anyway..every meal I eat.. or rather.. every single mouth of solid food I take in nowadays.. I will think of how difficult it is for him.. my earthly dad.. he can't swallow because it hurts SO much.. and fuck.. did it hurt my heart too.
I really wished I was better to him.. I knew my attitude changed as I matured quite a little.. but I still kinda hate myself for shouting at him and getting frustrated at him out of nothing or something he did for my own good but I was simply too DUMB to realise it was something he did for my own good!. Screw myself for that.
Mum's really very money minded.. and I can't blame her because the family's financial thingy is in her hands right now.. I really hope she spends Wisely.. I know she can't.. but I pray that she will. amen to that again.
Ns is going to be over.. from a non-swimmer to a lifeguard to be.. it was pretty amazing how things had turned over the short period of two years I served for the nation. I was lucky enuff to meet my special somebody who turned me from a runner to a swimmer.. she saved my knees.. and a bad tempered guy/ego freak/pride freak to a more understandin person and sensitive person.. cos she's more bad tempered than me.. unlike that previous somebody. hahaa.. challenges always make things better.. oh yeha.. she turned me into an indian like being too. I'm so dark now. haha.. Ms Jacqueline called me Chinaman.. but I doubt she still could if she sees me again now. =)
I'm Oh-So-Thankful to samantha for all that.
This is my last day in the office.. and I'm doing a DO duty.. and I am here writing a blog because sam requested me to do so? ahaa..ok la.. also because I completed my work liao so abit free for now lor..
Today's weihao's bday! and I just wished him happy bday..
Seriously.. I'm so glad I have my own bunch of die hard brothers for life!
They're as follow:
- Jingfu!
- Yikang!
- Banyang!
- Weihao!
- Lester!
- Michael!
- Melvin!
- Kai Zhong!
We've been together for a period of 9 to 10 years! haha.. goodness.. thanks to basketball who brought us together more or less! They're serious bunch of wonderful friends who nv fail to be there once called upon.. and rest assured I'll be there for you guys whenever need be!
Ha.. and suddenly, I miss those days in sec sch when I was still a fat boy who LOVES basketball to the core.. and we just play ball in the lunchtime.. recess time.. whenever there's a ball and whenever there's a court! haa.. It was so carefree because there's nothing to worry abt..
but then again.. the shittie thing is.. Time flies and now.. I'm here shouldering LOTSA stuffs.. nvm.. I shan't fall.. and I shall fight and perservere on. Thanks to dearie who pulls me up once in a while when I fall badly. I'm still learning.. but I will be strong de! Dearie oso.. if you need me.. pls.. I hope I can be the one you cry to too.. I will always lend u my personal listening ears and shoulder and every single part you need!.. always.. and sincerely too. =)
Ok.. before I end this entry..
Let me announce something.. I am LESS THAN 20 HRS TO CLEARING LEAVE!!!!!! haa...
ORD OH! =X
dearie.. is that light hearted enuff? haa.. hope this cheers u up a little by bringing some happy memories of you and your sec sch frens too! =) Pl take care of yourself.. and Yah.. i got eat medicine and lunch and drink LOTS of water! so no worries oki? I am resting during lunch time which is AMAZING cos I tot of swimming.. but nah.. I shall rest til tonite! hee.. Pray that I'll have a safe nite and nothing will happen for DO duties to be carried out yeah? AMEN! haa..
I love you darling..
Checkout~
Qing.
1:29 PM
Seriously.. I do not noe how exactly am I feeling..
Lost?
Stressed?
Almost depressed?
Hatred(That I'm not strong enuff. ALWAYS.)?
Worried?
Vexed?
Add them altogether and maybe you can feel what I am feeling now..
Chatted with big bro(BLOOD RELATED REAL BRO) last nite.. at 1 am.. he was kind enuff to reply to my smses..and not just a word or two.. they're pretty long answers that sounds logical and informative. I bet he needs comforting too.Anyway.. conversation goes as follow.. I shall translate into Eng.. we chatted in chinese..
Me: Bro, I wanna meet up with you to talk abt dad.. This thursday afternoon, 1pm.. you can choose the venue.. can ma? Cos.. I feel like I'm so alone out here with no one to look up to and its making me feel damn bad. Mum's pessimistic and I can't seem to be able to do anything abt it.. Please don't tell dad that I find you because I'm feeling bad..Dun wan him to worry..I want him to know that I'm working very hard to be strong already.. pls..Khor, Thank you..
Bro: Today, dad is feeling very unwell, last nite he can't even swallow any food. I bought porridge for him to eat but he also onli eat 1 or 2 mouth.. I onli left with ease after seeing him fall asleep.. I everyday also will go and visit him.. How abt meeting up in the nite? I need to work in the day..
Me: Its the same thing at my home.. The more I think the more heart ache I feel.. I called the doctor to ask.. and the reply was that dad's condition is very normal.. What he's feeling now are just the side effects of the chemo therapy.. but I'm still very worrying.. Okie.. how abt thursday nite? Sorry.. so late then sms you.. khor.. dun reply le.. goodnites..
Bro: Dad'smedical fee are scarily expensive..Our financial ability are very limited.. Its only my mum whose helping him to pay all the fees.. I believe dad understand this very clearly.. But I can feel from him that he miss you and your bro. Nvm.. you can sms me anytime.. Goodnite.
Me: Can you pls tell him that he MUST be determined? Even tho its suffering and painful, he must still get well.. I've already found a job and once I ORD, I can start work already.. For my family side.. even if my mum can't shoulder the burden alone.. Still got me! Dun need to miss us so much and worry abt us so much..As long as the family got me.. I won't let anything happen to the family de. Must believe in us and must believe in himself! Khor.. So sorry... I really do not noe how to put it to him.. pls help me with this little favour.. Just say that I looked for you to chat before.. that way.. he will feel that we, as brothers, are maintaining contact..I guess he will be more relieved that way.. Thank you so very much...
I was pretty stoned after his last msg.. onli replied after 20 mins.. I don't know what to say.. Should I take up the job of a PT? Its not gonna be just physical training.. You have to sell things! Or rather, sell myself.. Seriously not easy.. but its gonna give me big bucks if I work hard.. But hows the market like? So many PT ard.. got so many customers ma? Where to source my customers from? Have to put up a website or something? Haiz. I don't know what to do.
What may seem more easing to me now...
To work at RASA and NUM for a period of 1/2 a yr.. get enuff income for me to fall back on first if anything ever happens.. then go work at California Fitness? Cos sales is a very unstable thing.. if I dun get it going in two months or so..I'm busted! My family needs money now.. I am not confident of selling packages.. and more over.. I doubt I can convince anyone when I am going thru the training! Thus that leaves the first month wages as 1.2k. Enuff? Doubt so.
What should I do now? As who I am? I don't wanna stay stressed. I wanna work things out! God bless me!!!!!
I need guidance!
Help!
Need to source for help from RC. Free money.. y dun take?
Checkout~
Qing.
9:14 AM
heh.. I got a reply from Tejman! haha.. man! I missed him! Reminiscing the days when we kinda dominate the court with our partnership! haha.. he's like fixed with a spring on his heels and he can just jump non stop and stil lreach the same height after each jump! I used to ponder if I live at the cold himalaya mountains like he does in nepal.. or at least.. NEAR it.. maybe I can attain that kinda jump heights due to living condition in the high pressure up there! :Pp haha.. dreams aside.. he's got pretty lousy stamina but he's a strong dude! hehe.. shooting is damn good. and man.. he's a team player! hehe.. love that because i can pass all the ball nicely to him and he almost nv fails to finish it in the most stylish way!
he's in Dubai now.. God bless him with a good job with a decent pay man.. I believe every good man who does no wrong except watching porn and some mistakes here and there should be blessed because all are your children yeah? =) Amen to that!
You go dude! I'll be awaiting for your reply! haha..
Checkout~
KKK.
4:26 PM
God.. I'm having Serious moodswing today man..
I'm sooo introvert I don't feel like talking to anyone..
Never so affected before..
Too much worries.
Home. Mum's lonely. Dad's lonely too. Heard they're gonna empty a room for him to stay in. Does it mean he's sleeping by himself? He'll go crazy! DAD COME HOME PLEASe!
If dad's home.. I'll have to watch over him. - Responsibility.
Mum's home too. I'll have to console her and be there for her as and when she call me. She seldom does that. Makes me worry. She DOES cry. She's pessimistic. Makes me worry more. - Responsibility.
Money. Bills.. Phone.. Internet.. Electricity.. Water.. Groceries.. 100Dollars of canned food! Medical bills.. I can't work til september! damn it! I need MORE money.
I've 7 days of leave left! 10 days of work to complete before clearing leave.
10 days of working days left to complete my add and edit.
Van's work needs time. Something i hate abt visual basic. Its easy and requires no thinking.. makes me feel like i'm wasting my time while programming.
Can't use array of textfields! idiot.. muz do repetitive coding.
How does the payment needs to be done? Van? pls advice.
When the person order.. i just add to wat he previously ordered and stored in the database? Or NEED to show just what he ordered in this session?
ECART _
Total ORDER:
___________________
previous order + current order.
OR
ECART_
Total Order:
_______________________
Previous order
:
:
Current Order?
Please show me whats needed. Thanks!
Dear. I miss you so much. Can I just escape from all those problems? May I? I wish I could. Why me? I feel like a coward now. I feel like saying I'll stand up to it.. but HOW?
Somebody help me?????
Qing.
10:34 AM
Lots of my life has change.. since I entered Army.. til I went over to police.. thru the training.. til I broke with shir.. til now.. When i'm blessed with such overwhelming love I could nv even dream of.
Rmbr that day when I enlist at Tekong.. Mum cried.. I finally expressed my thoughts to her thru shir that time.. my appreciation for her and daddy's love.. It was almost like I was parting forever.. It was sad.. but I'm glad I went thru it.. for I've seen thru alot and I've learnt alot.. really.
Thank God for that.
Well.. Its July already man.. and its only like 10 days more of work minus my leave.. I'm seriously more than glad whenever I thought of it.. for I can finally get out of the 900 dollars salary limit! Its soooo restricting.. and I really need more for my family and my gal and myself...
To add on to the motivation for getting out of the force fast.. The boss's quite a fucker except he did me a favour for not charging me because I pleaded like mad to him. Damn it.. a mistake made once.. I'll nv repeat it again. Lesson learnt anyway.. ALWAYS cover your ass and NEVER overtrust anybody.
Thru the much trainings.. I've attained fitness I'd nv thought I could. I've pushed my limits once and many a times over what I had believed I can and Restricted myself to. 7mins 2.4..40 seconds laps of Free Style in 3 months when I couldn't even really swim previously. 5X500(<1min each) Intervals.. 6 to 19 chinups in 4 months. Memorising 500+++ lines of CRIMINAL LAW. Not Codings. Etc. etc.. so many of them.. It was amazing what a human can do when he Believe and Focus and really Do it with his heart. I've been thru that and I'm gonna keep that with me all of my life in EVERY thing I do. This is one invaluable gift I had gained in my NS life.
OH YES.. another small thing to note. I've learnt to curb my ego and anger and inprove my patience and my ability to think vastly too. =)
Last but not least.. I've seen thru many pple.. and worked with various kinda pple.. seen how bad pple can be.. and how unreasonable and slacking anyone Can be. How important it is to learn to slack at the correct times... Dun be over garang and say u noe this and that when u've been paid what u are NOT worth. Just do your best in what's given to you and above average initiative in small but significant stuffs. Perfect formula.
Oh yes.. how can I forget..
The happiest thing that happened beside learning how to swim and becoming a water baby is probably the reason for that to happen. Yups, it was my interest too.. but the main motivation factor.. My Dearie.. Samsam =)
When we first met at Fish and Co.. I was like White Chocolate.. Land Creature. Quite flat chested. haha.. It didn't seem like we're gonna be together at all. Really NOT AT ALL. lol.. it wasn't love at first sight.. it wasn't a physical attraction thingy.. cos we aren't good looking to each other. We know. hehee.. But I'm thankful Love works with wonderful ways and in the most unexpected manner! Somehow.. Mr Cupid find his way thru the many memories of the unpleasant pasts of ours and shot it right through Our Hearts in one line.. From then on.. til now.. we're still linked together.. only getting stronger. Thank God for that again. =)
Sam's a little temperamental.. moodswinger.. noisy at times.. crybaby.. grumpy girl.. she bitch.. she criticize alot.. she's got superb ego and pride problem.. she's got difficulty handling her anger.. she's down under notti. and she's always saying she's fat.. contradiction factors of low self esteem with looks but pride brings her to always walk head-chest-up and ever so proudly of herself most of the times..
I can name all the bad things of her.. because I accept her as who she is, its not because I wanna lodge a complain. I don't wanna keep saying my gf's perfect companion and the whole blog just blabbers abt how great she is.. I like reality even tho its painful and often cruel. Being in reality is great because it brings your feet to earth and you'll work your ass off in every aspect just so tat you can get what you want. That includes knowing her weakness and mine and then we'll work things out together. Nothing's gonna work out if we just see the beauty in each other and someday somehow a little thing breaks out of no where and the crack will probably last forever. I hope she sees the bad things in me too.. and shares it with me.. I promise I will either change.. or compromise.. or best of all.. make things work out for the both of us in a winwin situation.. work with me. Alrite? =)
She still buy food for me and ask me to sit down no matter where we go eat. I'm taking over.. but a li'l by li'l bit.. =) She's letting me love her more already. which is good. =) She still wakes up super early and come to my house to cook me something to eat and surprise me with the.. uh hemm... nvm..
Hee.. its still sweet and great. I pray that God will continue to bless us and our rs.. and also.. bless my dad and heal him completely thru the radio and chemo therapy.. I know through your might.. anything is possible.. Amen!
Alrite.. time to slp....
zzz..
Nites all..
Checkout~
Qing.
11:34 PM
Heh.. finally.. I've passed LS 1,2,3!!! Officially!! hee.. Thank God for that!
Well.. some unhappy incidents happened.. but its all unhappy because I can't shrug off my ego.. I'm just gonna blog this down because it had happened.. I ain't blaming anyone anymore.. and dearie.. if you're gonna read this and feel angry or watever.. pls don't continue. Just skip this entry. I don't wan a quarrel but I need somewhere to vent it out somemore before I can continue to slp properly for the nite..
I repeat.. Its the same old shit I rapped to you thru out the whole nite after LS 123 and at the bus stop waiting. so please don't read if you know you're gonna feel angry or whatever. This is more than a warning. Because I don't want to quarrel. AND I DO NOT want to talk to an anywhere near sians diao dear because you read this.
My first trial for BM for lesson 1 of BM. Dearie was my victim and I swam 50 meter.. and towed her back.. when we reach at the end point.. timing was 3 min 07sec. Great. I thought. but then.. dearie told me she kicked all the way for me.. and I almost flared the hell out of her.. Seriously.. I can't take this kinda thing.. I can't afford to let pple say I pass because of her.. but thats not the main problem.
I am someone who is SUPERBLY PROUD of myself for being able to accept failure and then analyse accordingly to the gap I'm lapsing behind then work SUPER FUCKING HARD back to reach the acceptable standard set by YOURS TRULY.
When I heard abt the timing.. I was extremely glad that I used to take 4 mins.. but now even tho I slowed down at the first 50m, I still get 3min 7 sec.. but the overjoy turned immediately into anger when I found out that that was done with aid from my dear and not my own effort. and to make things worst.. it ain't TWO MINS 7 SECONDS... its onli EIGHT seconds away from the failure timing! Good God.. can you see how WELL I did?
What could have happened? I could have failed the timing if she didn't kick.. thats first. I might not have even been able to COMPLETE the whole 50 meter of towing if she didn't kick for me! She kicked the whole lap for me and yet I get 3 min 7 sec and I WAS PANTING when I reach the ending point.. God Knows How Hurting that is.
If I was given a chance to redo it again.. I'd have kindly asked her to not kick for me.. I am willing to accept the failure.. then work hard to get the gap closed.. But at the end of the day.. I ended with no idea how lousy I am.. but I know I am lousy..I don't have the gauge of how hard I should work. I SERIOUSLY HATE THIS FEELING.
I have no intention of saying good things to patch what I said above.. but I really do truly do and seriously do enjoy and most of all, APPRECIATE the love and concern and care and joy dearie has been blessing me with.. I understand each and every single good intention you had for me when you decided to kick for me so I can tow you better.. but as a matter of fact.. it wasn't better totally.. there were points where you kicked when i tried pulling harder and experiencing all the ways i can think of.. then you travelled too near towards me.. resulting in a lost of velocity and i was unable to catch up with the distance to create more distance for me to pull somemore.. and thus u felt like there was no pull. I've said this 10 times and I'm saying this again. Next time, if there's a test or whatever.. LET ME FALL IF I SHOULD FALL(if there's no teamwork needed and its all abt solo work). I FALL BECAUSE I DID NOT TRAIN HARD ENUFF. I EAT THAT AND I WILL TRAIN HARDER WITH THAT IN MY MIND. WHETHER or not its a trial or first playplay test.. I take Physical Fitness As my Pride and Life. "TO MYSELF: FUCK MY EGO AND PRIDE AS A MAN!" Okay?
--I'm losing it.. damn it.. Breathe. Continue 10 mins later.".
That aside.. I thank you for what you've done for me.. trying to make things better for me IN EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF OUR RS AND LIFE. I thank you from the very depth of my heart.. because my love for you nv shaken.. and my love for you only grow stronger even thru these damn shit that we have to go thru.
Because its onli thru these damn shit that you gain 10% more than a 100% understanding of each other.
Because I'm serious abt you.. and I am practicing my anger management.. I knew dear was practicin too.. was surprised you actually apologised almost immediately.. I trust that you apologised because you knew what I feel. I repeat. I trust that in you. But I repeat all of those things i said again and again because I want to reemphasize and make things clear. So clear that it'll not happen again or maybe just 5% of our rs. I chose not to talk to you because I want to cool down. Not because I'm mad at you. Its part of the anger management thingy I sent you. If you've actually took the time to read it.. you can see I've been practicing them every now and then. I take this very seriously. because I know temper is very jialat between the both of us when either one of us flare up because of whatever bullshark reason.
Dearie.. if you're still reading this.. lastly, I hope you will not write a fight back blog because I will not discontinue to fight back due to my ego and pride. And then there'll not be an ending. All I ask for is your understanding that this is not a blog to scold you because the incident is over. I don't want this to have ANY adverse effect on you.
Before I end, Let me tell you something..
Dearie, if you love me, let me love you. Being too good to me will NOT work out.
Reason: As leos, we'll even try to out-love each other. Trust me. Even if we're using the reason that "I am so obsessed with you.. I just wanna love you more.." theres still a pinch of that leoistic charactor inside. I've been there.. and result? Both pple tire out. Gameover. understand ma?
If I ask to send you home.. let me do so. If I ask you if you want lunch, let me buy or cook. If I ask you if you want me. Just tell me yes. okay? Tell me thanks and give me kisses.. that's enuff to show your love and appreciation for me. No need to do more things for me. There isn't even a need to say I love you every now and then.. because love is felt thru heart.. I know you knew and feel it too.
Can you hear my heart? thump-IThUmp.. .. thUmP-THUmLP.. ThuMp-TOhUMP.. ThumVp-thUMP.. thuEmP-THump ThuMYp-ThUMP ThuMp-TOhuMP ThuMp-ThUMP...
Muacks.
Qing.
12:50 AM
Sigh.. so much for trying to figure out a Date function.. damn it.. I really hate IT.. it just get slips out of mind sooo easily esp. when you stop practicing for a while..
took like... 1hr? to figure out how the date function can actually works.
Hate to waste time like this.. but I just ain't some lucky guys with photographic memories.. Just wondering.. they have photographic memory but do they have virtually unlimited disk space? or do they die off just like harddisk? lol.. lame. maybe not. maybe some pointers to ponder at 1.33am right now. oh. wat a special time for me and her. =)
Anyway... Dearie has been really sweet.. she comes to my home at 10.. which means she left home at 8.30 or 9. Which means she wakes up at 7.30 or earlier.. just to come my home early and see me. cook for me.. so that the day start out in stylish greatness which i can delight in. Love the breakfast she makes.. even tho she says the ham and egg and cheese crepe is a success and looks like one.. i seriously love them. After breakfast was served.. the DeSsertS were even better.. grin.. shall leave that to your own imagination.
anyway.. wats more? she cooked lunch for me too.. i was supposed to cook but i went to shit. damn my bowel. Sometimes I feel that its almost impossible for me to meet someone like her.. I've typed this before previously in my previous rs.. but seriously.. i've nv been loved THIS WAY before? This is the very first time I feel unconditional love thats OOZING and Overwhelming. Yes, I'm a christian.. but screw me if you disagree and I won't even bother to look at your face when you speak. She's my top priority in life now. Without her.. where will I be? I thank god for blessing me with her.. but seriously. I live a reality life. Not in the realm of God. Understand what I say or forget them.
Yah.. and bad news. my dad's cancer is in the third stage..
Good news.
Third Stage = cancer cells spreaded to other organs or parts already. So since throat cancer affects vocal cord and vocal cord is like less than 5cm from larynx.. its much easier for throat cancer to spread there. so the equation goes Spreaded/Grow bigger til it overlaps another part = Third Stage. Which means it may not be as bad as other cancer's third stage.
I sound like I'm consoling myself but I'm gonna get it checked out tomorrow afternoon. I hope I can get the information that I need. At least find out from a doc what he can eat and what he can't. what I should do to help and what I can help.
He's my dad. the one I'm thankful for dragging his tired body to work every day and nite just so i can have rice and even bread to eat. Without him, I won't even be here typing with singlish. Forget abt chinese.. forget even abt any literacy. I mean Any.
Mum's stubborn.. Mum loves Dad.. I can Look Listen Feel that. so does dad and everyone else on the table.. but she's just a simple minded lady/girl/woman. Dad just impress me so much whenever he can understand things at the level which awes me like I've nv thought he's such a great understanding and impressive person. I guess he's mind is as charming as his look.. now.. more.
I seriously pray that He'll bless my earthly dad and let what the he says the doc says(he can live another 20 yrs if he get it treated.) become real. Because I would really love to repay him with his love for me x 10 if possible. x 9 for my mum. Unless she gets enlightened one day.
Amen x 100.
God bless me and dearie samsam and our rs too.. I really don't know what else to put into words except being thankful.. worried.. loved.. happy.. tired.. conscious.. stone and probably sad in some way.
ORD is coming soon. =)
Hope BM comes as soon too. hee..
LG. Life Guard.
Qing.
1:36 AM
About The
GQ's Profile:
ID:
GQ/QinG/KK/Rukawa
Day of Generation:
09 AugusT 1984
ZodIaRk ~ LeO
Inner BeasT ~ Mice
Loves:
- Samsam/Samantha
- Basketball *Passion*
- Swimming
- Running
- BlooD *Craving*
- Sensual Pain~
- Kitties and Puppies *Cuddle*
- My brothers and sisters
- My Real family and my brother
- StrawBerriEs
- Hugx and Caresses
- Nibbles and Kisses
- Orgasms
- Well defined Muscles
- Flat Abs
- 34D =)
- Programming (Not a Geek either)
- Beach
- Getting Sun-Kissed
- Pple who dares to be themselves and not hide
- bitches sometimes :)
- Loves and Romance..
- To lend a helping hand/listenin ear at ALL times =)
- Betrayers
- Backstabbers
- Liars
- HypocRytes
- Pple who breaks promises
- Arrogant pple
- Pple who act holy
- Bastards
- Bittergourd
- NS
- Lazy pple/Pple w No Urgency
*Mei*~~Rong~~
GwenGwen
JiaYuan
*Mei*~~Rachel~~
Yu
Dael
Mike
Lester
Kenny
Desire~List
- DEARIE'S HUGX AND KISSES
- New Phone.. 6230I
- Nike Bag.. 82.95
- Abs.
- Bigger Biceps and Triceps.
- Better Complexion
- Better Health...
- Black Jeans
- Orange Shirt
- Grey Pants
- Black Leather Belt
MSN/Friendster: rukawa_koh@hotmail.com
Email: rukawa_gq@yahoo.com / rukawa.gq@gmail.com
"In~LoVeS'~"
SY's Profile:
Samantha Yeo Su Yun
18 years old
Singapore Poly
Lifeguard, Financial Trade
Sports, swimming esp!, life-saving, shopping, taking pictures
Wishlist:
i'm so happy with dear now that i cant wish for more!!=)
Links:
Link
Chitty~Chitty~Chat~Chat