My sunset romance- Blog

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

heh.. this entry is here.. because i feel... i dunno wat..

mixture of.. sadness.. cos of the end of BM class and the friends I've known over the past 20 weeks are going to be gone for a pretty pretty long time....
Its been a long way that we came by... and ya... we did our test.. most passed.. even those who doesn't deserve it did.. but one did not... and yes.. the other feeling in the mixture i'm having now.. is guilt.. i kinda caused that friend.. or bro of mine to fail...

why? because i failed my first timing and i ganjiong.. and i am so selfish in tinking of myself and i nv tink much for him. i tot daryl was supposed to tow him.. forgetting the fact that daryl had already did his turn. fuck. he towed daryl and he cramped. D-Q..
He was given a second try.. and i let him tow my dear... and fuck.. his clothing dropped twice.. goggle got fogged and some 1 or 2 pp bumped into him that he had to detour..
his timing was just 1 second away from passin...
the examiner did not give any hint or anything... i just wonder.. why can he pass those who nv study at all? and not just let that 1 second off?!
i can't bring myself to respect these examiners.. and for that.. adding on to guilt.. i can't really be totally happy abt my BM pass.

I felt like I don't really deserve it.
I did not have the leadership and calmness to think properly when I'm in trouble. I was able to tink like some big person when others are in trouble.. but when I AM the one who's in a stressed period.. I freak out.. and I let him die.

sigh.
wat a friend i am.

even tho in the fone conversation after i got home.. yeah.. i felt so bad.. i called him up to apologise...

he said he understood that i feel bad because i feel that we train together.. in the class together.. should pass together... but didn't happen in the end..
yeha.. and seriously.. i still feel its my fault. he was a wonderful fren.. and on top of all.. he's got wat he need to pass this thing! if not for mi.. he wouldn't need to get a stupid fail and wait 3 weeks for the next test.

i don't noe how can i bu chang... i seriously pray that God will guide our way.. and let us meet again and let me repay him in someway that he needs next time in the future.. Yeah.. more than glad to noe he's a christian too~ :)

I am thankful for dearie to bring me into LS and swimming.. because of that.. I get to know wonderful ppl... and I got to noe dear better too...

Now that BM is over.. there's not much goals left for this yr except to find a job and build up my body.. oh yeah.. before the building up part.. gotta settle my injury on my shoulder and neck first.. yet another thing that needs gary's help.

Sigh.. i wonder how long will this feeling bug me... in my BMT days.. a buddy of mine.. just like gary.. trained with mi for SOC.. and in the end.. I passed.. and he failed too. fuck. i felt so fucking unfair because it was a failure due to some stupid timing mistake but they did not agree to their fault.. i almost made a fucking big din in the platoon office. no one knew abt it.. but I seriously hoped this kinda thing won't happen again...

maybe I'm too emotional.. but fuck. thats me.. if its daryl who failed.. i wouldn't care.. cos he didn't care and he takes everythign for granted. but if its arina/wati/li qi/gary who failed. which in this case.. its gary.. i really feel damn sad.

moreover.. he's the one who taught mi butterfly.. corrected my freestyle.. someone who got closer as the test date comes by because we trained together.. just like tejman (the guy from nepal) when we trained for competition together.. then he left to nepal.. yeah. its a mix feeling. guilt and sadness.
at least he's still in sg.. and can meet up for gym and swim la.. but well.. when i get a perm job too.. its hard to even maintain frenship for those nearby man.. dun like this kinda friends move away thingies.. quite a few times it had happened.. after OCT training.. after ORD.. after POP.. after i left my basketball team.. after I left Poly and sec sch... God...so many times man... i'm so emotional/affectionate i guess.

God blesses me with so many friendships and brotherhoods.. but yet i dun seem to be able to cherish them well... I hope and pray that God will bless me with the ability to manage time well and plan them well.. for all my friends and love ones... amen.

Haiz. dun feel good still after writing this blog. but at least it made mi feel tired.
Thank God for everything you've blessed me so far.. its been quite an incredible journey.. but i will continue to strive in my LS and swimming to glorify ur name.

nitenitex...
GQ

2:20 AM

+A goodbye kiss+

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